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23 November 2010 @ 04:10 pm

**I'm not a therapist.
What, I know what happens. I do! I used to run a law-firm. You can't sue me now, because I-I've just told you for legal purposes. I, am not, a therapist. There... wait, and I can't be held responsible if I'm mistaken for one. That's right. This was my disclaimer.**

Hey, maybe we should make Snyder do one too. Something like 'I'm not an insufferable bastard, but if you want to mistake me for one that's okay too.'

I hate lawyers.

Yeah, about Faith. No, not the unlucky at love Faith, but the genocidal Faith trapped in a dark room without windows. What are we dealing with? We're dealing with a deeply troubled and vengeful woman with multiple issues I couldn't even begin to make any sense out of or analyze. I'm pretty good at helping someone get the strength they need to make themselves better people, but this is beyond me.

Told you I wasn't a therapist.

I think I feel something for her. Sure, I mean, I know she wanted to destroy the world, and I know she's already destroyed her own, but who hasn't wanted to do that once or twice? I wanted to do it a couple of years ago as Angelus, and almost succeeded. I should know, having been sent to Hell for it by my then girlfriend.

The point? Yeah, I'm not feeling any grudges toward this new Faith. Maybe I'm getting too close to her. I don't know. Tell me I'm an idiot if you want.
08 February 2010 @ 10:25 am

I'm not afraid to admit this.  I mean, there was a time when I couldn't even attempt to do anything else; that isn't the case any longer, but old habits I guess.  I'm a brooder.  That's what I do, especially after Ron Snyder went and made the world a safe place.  There was a time once when finding evil was easy.  All you had to do was stand still for something like twenty minutes, and evil would just run right into you without even realizing it.  Don't ever tell anyone this, but I'm pretty sure I miss those days.

Now?  Now you have to actually search for evil, so I'm a brooder.  I like to sit in my loft with the lights dimmed, stewing over all of the things I did as Angelous while listening to traffic.
30 January 2010 @ 12:27 am
Oh no... No, please; not her.

Before, before I left LA, I had unconsciously started measuring my time in LA by the number of occurrences meant to make Ron Snyder either dead or miserable. After witnessing some successes, near misses, and plenty of failures, I finally realized too late how my existence had started revolving around a man I hated. I blamed Cordy for Snyder's involvement in our uni-- our universe. You know, I still haven't accepted his origins? Doesn't matter how many times I've seen his dimensional hub, or that stupid ray-gun of his. I'm never going to accept he came from a different reality, or even worse than that, from the future of a different reality. I draw the line at that damned space-ship. No, don't get me started.

As of recently, Snyder has gotten involved with every woman I've ever wanted. Darla's the exception, and I think that's only because she's dead.
12 October 2009 @ 07:01 pm
Sometimes it hits me.
It's always harsh; sharp in its impact, and often unforgiving after the open hand has been drawn back. It is the constant undeniable fact of our struggle. It never matters how long we do this. The length of time we spend struggling isn't the point, because there are no measurements in infinity. The struggle will continue long after we've turned to dust, and then longer still. I don't mind it. What I really mind are the unforeseen almost karmic consequences any of us are forced to suffer as a result of the good we've tried to accomplish. It's aggravating having to even think about this. I can already count two people off the top of my head who might turn around and smack me upside the head. They'd tell me I need to shut up and stop complaining; that my curse is now in the past and I shouldn't allow myself to stress what might be coming. It might be true and it might not be, but I'm not worried about myself any longer. There are still other people within-network who almost seem to be suffering a greater curse than I was.
31 August 2009 @ 10:52 am

Last night, something frightening took place.
I left my room at The Hyperion on my way to go out and make rounds, but felt the all too familiar sensation that came with losing my soul again. That was bad enough, and I was floored by it. Literally; I fell to my knees, but was then belted yet again by the abrupt return of my soul before Angelus could even get back to his feet. Now I'm terrified. What am I supposed to do? When Ron Snyder told Buffy he and Faith were going to Ireland to speak with Romani about removing the curse they put on me all those years ago, I was furious, and for good reason. He told Buffy this in the hopes she'd wake up from the coma she put herself in, and I didn't think it was right he would try to get Buffy's hopes up over something others have tried before and failed. But, but last night? Did it really happen? Spike has his soul back without needing a curse, so I knew it was possible, but Angelus was cursed. I'm the product of this curse, and I've long since gotten used to believing I'd never know perfect happiness again. What happened back there? Did it... I already asked this. Are Buffy and I going to know perfect happiness again because of something Snyder's accomplished?

I don't know what I should do at this point.
I really don't want to have to thank that insufferable bastard...
31 August 2009 @ 10:19 am

Did he really remove the curse?
26 July 2009 @ 12:07 am

"You're all fools! Heroic fools. The brave are always the first to die."  -X-Men: the Animated Series

What was the first thing I thought of after reading this; where should I start?  I've wondered on several occasions what my life might have been like had I never left Sunnydale, or had I never left Buffy.  Who knows where things might have gone.  All I know for sure is that moving to LA the first time around has forced me to confront death on an almost constant basis.  All of them heroes. 

All I keep thinking about when I look back are the people I've watched die, and what I might have done to prevent it.  I think this is why I finally accepted Ron as...  The 'boss' doesn't really cover it, but you're not going to hear me call him a king; I don't care what Illyria says.  Anyway, what I was trying to say was I can handle death.  It's feeling the responsibility for someones death I can't handle.  I'm glad someone else has stepped in, because I don't have the stomach for leadership any longer.   
19 March 2006 @ 08:12 pm
I visited what I believe might be the spot where my father was buried.  It's hard to tell.  The cemetery is long gone, and I suppose I should just be relieved they didn't build an expressway over it. 

I found Galway, but I couldn't find any trace of the village I remember.  I used the forest along the main road as a point of reference.  Galway was once dwarfed by the forest; now the reverse is true.  I recognized some of the stones I came across as I walked.  It served well enough as a turning point, and I shortly found myself standing in a clearing.  It had a scent I was familiar with.  The dead rested around me, and it was obvious they had for centuries. 

I killed my father...
No...  not me, but the demon that became me when I was turned by Darla.  He was my fourth victim that night, but he was the first of the ones I thought were significant.  I sometimes wonder if he can see me now from wherever I sent him, and whether or not he would have forgiven me for the sins of Angelus.

I also wonder if he might have been proud of me for the efforts I've made to make things right in the world.
The one time I felt anything other than his shame, I was too young to appreciate it. 
13 March 2006 @ 07:22 pm
Dear Diary, 

Someone once told me she never passed on a good cliche.  Evidently, I don't either.  I can't believe I just started things this way, but now that I've put pen to parchment, I don't think I can go back and change it.  Not sure why, just don't think I can.  The last eight years have been more than a little interesting for me, and now I find myself escaping the world I got used to in an effort to keep it from staying that way.  I'm tired of death, and I'm tired of the big decisions.  All I want to do is live as normal a life as I can.   I discovered recently how unlikely this is going to be.  I chose Dublin on a whim, and found what looks suspiciously like a Hellmouth.  I think it's a little strange I haven't found any slayers around, but I know a sign when I see one.